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A day of regrets

Do you ever just have days when you hate yourself? For the things you’ve said or failed to say, for what you’ve done or failed to do, for your actions or lack thereof? A day of regrets?

Today was one of those days. I found myself bitching unnecessarily loud that people close by could easily pick up on my ranting, for something so irrelevant. At the time I thought it was relevant of course. But as soon as I opened my mouth, I regretted it.

I find myself becoming this way more often that I would like. I’ve always been a reserved person, especially at work, never really open about how I feel inside. I always believe in keeping work separate from my personal life. I’ve always been careful not to let others at work see if I’m upset, unhappy or bothered about something. I’ve always been careful to control my emotions. There’s an actual term for this – Emotional Intelligence.

I remember when I quit my job once upon a time, not because I hated the job or the people I worked with, but because the CEO was an evil fire-breathing dragon who instilled fear in all the staff. My job, I felt, being in the position that I was in, was to protect the employees from her wrath. I took the beating for them, so to speak, whenever possible. I was not happy and have never in my life felt that way about work. I eventually broke and knew I had to quit when I found myself crying everyday in the subway on my way to work. And trust me, I’m not a crier. When I quit and went around to say my goodbyes, the employees were surprised. “You didn’t seem unhappy,” they told me. “You were always so cheerful.” Of course I felt bad for leaving, for now I was no longer the shield for them.

My point is, I try to stay positive and not let negativity get to me. But lately, I find myself being sucked into the negative side more and more, for there is just so much of it. I’m surrounded by people who bitch and complain all day and eventually that affects me whether I welcome it or not. I have to admit, it feels good to bitch. I mean, everyone needs an outlet to vent once in a while and I certainly have vented in more than one occasion to my hubby and friends. But there’s a big difference between venting and bitching.

So today is one of those days when I hate myself. For being bitchy, for being negative, for letting my bad side come out. The thing is, I have (self-diagnosed) anxiety. And when I feel bad, when I feel regret, my anxiety is fed and grows bigger. The only way to get rid of it is either to not think about it or to justify it. The latter is not an option.

The good thing is I’m aware of all of this, and just writing about it to a whole bunch of strangers who probably don’t give a craps ass makes me feel better. Because I’m admitting that I was wrong, that I’m not perfect, that I’m a beatch sometimes and that I’m embarrassed for the way I acted.

I know, what a silly thing to write about. Especially when there are worse problems out there than feeling bad about my reaction. And so out of sync with what I usually write in my blog. But you know what, I had to get it out of my chest. I should be better than that. I should be a better person.

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